Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
