3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Randomize
