she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
