Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I just had all of the sex. All of it.