my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance