And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza