I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
