roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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