Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
