I'm gonna have a badass scar
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
