dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
