i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
We had to coat check the pizza.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Randomize
