oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
