Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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