I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
