What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
