Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
