I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
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