I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
