I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
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