I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Randomize
