I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
