my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
