someone threw a dead crab at me
I think I died a long time ago.
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
