It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
