If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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