i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
