if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
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