Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize