Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
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And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
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I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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