I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
