dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
He better not be in your backpack
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
