The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
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