by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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