Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Randomize
