I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
