Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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