there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Randomize
