Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
