I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
