She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
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All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
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The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.