I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
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I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
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The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?