sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters