Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
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