I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
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