if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
