don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
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