How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
