I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
organizing the empties. That sober.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I just want to make out with him forever
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
