D3 body, D1 cock
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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