We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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