Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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