I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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