I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Randomize
