I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
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