My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
