I think I just saw someone hide a body.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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