Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
