You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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