Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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