Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Randomize
